"The Fart Zodiac" joke
The Ram. Their farts are "Built Ram Tough". They may feel like Curly-Qs coming out of their asses because their farts mimic the curves of a ram's horns. They, the farts, sometimes like to butt heads with other farts. Since people born under the sign of Aries show strong leadership and like to get things started, they are always the first ones to fart while around other people. Their farts tend to be loud since they are energetic. Do you like to hear robust farts? Too shy to be the first one to fart? Get with an Aries.
The Bull. Their farts can be very stubborn, and once released, they can stink up a space with power for very long periods of time-longer than average. Their farts just don't want to go away. Their farts can even be kinda sharp and hurt their *******s when they come out, because they are big and mimic the sharp horns of the bull. Since Taurus people love sensual pleasures, they must take care not to over-indulge and get greedy, or it shows in their farts. Their farts will smell very, very rank and heavy....just too overboard. The kind of fart that can peel paint off the wall and kill someone. If you enjoy fart-sniffing, hang around a Taurus. Their farts can be very rich in odor and can be exotic. Just hope they favor you with mercy and blast with some moderation, but if you like your fart play on the excessive side, consider a Taurus to play with.
The Twins. These people cut the very best "Double Dog Delights", which is a fart that is cut, then stops, then it is quickly followed by a twin fart... one that sounds just like it. Since Geminis are great communicators, they can poot out farts in a remarkable range of pitch, tones, and intensities, as if they are creating a new language made entirely of farts. Amazing
The Crab. Cancers tend to be very family-oriented. Although they can be a little crabby, (who ISN'T?!) they tend to be gentle at heart and love to protect their loved ones. They have the remarkable ability to mimic the farts of their other family members. A father and husband who is a Cancer, for example, can very closely replicate, with his ****, the sounds and smells of his child's farts, his wife's farts, his parents' farts, his grandparents' farts, and his in-laws' farts. Being so very protective, he may not want his family to fart in public places as to shield them from guffaws and ridicules from strangers, which is what might happen if they were to let them rip in public. Cancers make very devoted partners, and if you are into fart-sniffing, you can make your Cancer partner promise that only you will get to smell his or her farts. There's a good chance the Cancer will keep the promise. A Cancer will come to your defense if somebody else hurts your feelings by making fun of your farts.
The Lion. A fart from a Leo can come out with a great ROAAAAR! If you like' em loud and proud, hook up with a farting Leo. Their farts have powerful strength and stamina-they will hang around for a long time-even on windy days outside. They love to be the center of attention, and may fart simply to get a reaction out of people. The smell of their farts can range from being flamboyant to shocking. They will REVEL greatly if one of their farts can get a rise out of somebody....ANY sort of reaction, whether good or bad, is what they're hoping for. Because of their ego and pride, they want their farts to be the MOST and winner in any farting contest, be it worst fart, sweetest fart, loudest fart, longest fart-whatever-it doesn't matter-a LEO will be bent on winning the contest. Leos do have a generous side, though, so if you want to sniff a fart from them, ask nicely, and they'll probably let you have a blast in the face. They also love dares. Dare them to fart in a public place and see what they do. They like their farts to say, "Remember me!"
The Virgin. You may have a tough time getting to smell a sweet little fart from a Virgo. They tend to be modest. If you can convince a Virgo to let a fart out in front of you, that is a big feat you'd accomplish, and you should be proud. Since Virgos tend to be shy and nervous, expect a Virgo woman to blush very deeply and clap her hand over her mouth if you ever catch her farting. A Virgo is so elusive in farting, you may have a better chance at catching a Leprechaun than a fart from a Virgo. Treat the fart like a rare treasure if you ever do. Since Virgos are neat, precise, and absolute perfectionists, they will apologize profusely if their fart doesn't smell and sound perfect. You can bet their next fart will. With their analytical nature and skills, they can identify exactly what you ate by the scents of your farts. Also, if you fart in front of Virgos and try to trick them into thinking it wasn't you, like "the dog did it" or whatever, it probably won't work. Virgos don't fall for tricks easily at all
The Scales. A Libra's farts have an impressive range, just like the tip of the scales. Their farts can go from one extreme to the other, and you never know what they'll blast or poot out next. Something heavy or something light-they can do it all. Loud and stinky to soft and unscented. Silent but deadly, to an odorless EXPLOSION. They are the masters of fart varieties, and their butts let out a very entertaining show because of this. They are open-minded and love to please people, so there is a good chance that if you have a Libra mate, he or she would fart for you if it makes you happy. They love to get approval from others, so make sure you give all their farts high praise. Never take advantage of their kind-hearted nature. Don't make them over-exert themselves by asking for too many farts from them, as much as you may want more and more. A Libra person may hurt themselves while trying to please you and your appetite for farts. Make sure you let them rest and return all the pampering they give so abundantly to you. Remember, they enjoy harmony, balance, and are happy when everyone else around them is happy.
The Scorpion. Ah, a sexy Scorpio fart-there's nothing quite like it. A fart with a sting. A Scorpio may not fart on demand just because you want it. A Scorpio may only fart when they feel like it, so enjoy it when it happens....you never know when they might let one out. Their sense of self-confidence leads them to believe that no matter what type of fart they made, it was a damn good one. Like Leos, they also enjoy challenges and are very determined. It would be interesting to see just who would win in a farting contest-a Leo or a Scorpio....it would be a bloody-****ed battle to the death.
The Centaur Archer. Sagitarians make good teachers and philosophers, as they are known to love learning about things. They will sniff a fart, remember the odor, and research all about it at the library or through other means. They will be interested in what exactly made the fart smell a certain way and why it sounded the way it did. Because of their love of knowledge and outgoing nature, you may find a Sagittarius asking a total stranger whom they heard fart, what he ate and if it hurt his **** or not when it came out. They may go on to ask the farting person how frequently he farts and if he has wet farts. Sagitarians hate false information and lies (but who doesn't?) so go ahead and tell them the truth about the details of your farts and diet if they ask. If you want to find someone who would express a curiosity and interest in your farts, go for a
The Sea Goat. A Capricorn's farts can slip out of their asses feeling like a smooth, slippery, wiggling fish's tail, or a bumpy sensation followed by a tickling one, like a goat's horns and little beard. Capricorns tend to believe that one must work to succeed. If they feel their farts are of a substandard nature in any way, they will work until the fart is up to the absolute highest in standards. Depending on what you or they want, they can shape and mold their farts to their liking because they have the discipline to keep going until the goal is accomplished. For example, if they are determined to produce a fart that is of a certain fragrance, sound, and intensity, they will keep trying to make it until they reach their goal. Capricorns are GREAT to have as lovers if you have a special fart-request in mind. Tell them exactly what you want to experience and you will be amazed at the results they can deliver.
The Water Bearer. Yep-you guessed it. They cut a lot of those wet farts that leave stains in their underwear. Some people like wet farts better than dry ones, too. Known for bringing fresh, new ideas to the world and having great creativity, you may find smells and sounds coming out of the bottom of your Aquarius mate that are things you have never quite smelled or heard in your life-unique and different from other people. When everybody else is farting vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry, they will fart pistachio with a lime twist. If you're looking for farts that will peak your interest because there will be something different about them, hook up with an Aquarius...they are full of surprises
The Two Fishes. Pisces may cut the most mind-blowing farts of all. Pisces tend to be spiritual, mysterious dreamers. Their farts have been known to have hallucinogenic agents in them, and sniffing a fart cut by a Pisces could take you on a trip similar to one brought on by LSD!! Labeled as being "Magic' Shroom Asses", Pisces delight in letting people smell their farts and having a trip. Some report seeing swirling splashes of bright colors, vibrating shapes, and a strange, floaty feeling after sniffing a fart made by a Pisces. It seems like it would be tempting for the Pisces to charge large sums of money to the ones who want to sniff their gasses, but Pisces tend to be so sweet and charitable, they will usually throw a blaster out for free. There are no reports on anyone ever experiencing a "bad trip" from a Pisces fart, either. All reports suggest that the recipients enjoyed "going with the flow", which is the usual nature of the Pisces themselves- to just go with the flow.
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are more...