All you want for Christmas is a hairline!
Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise!
One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.
The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.
The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.
The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
What is a dolphin's favorite TV show? Whale of fortune!
A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun."Can I help you sir?, asked the shopkeeper".Ah, yes...I want to buy a .44 Magnum please.The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what he's going to use it for.The man replies, "I want to shoot cans!"What? Cans! You don't need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.The customer has enough and finally says, "Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag...I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!