Top Rated Jokes

Making It Kosher

Hot 2 days ago

A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. "Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your more...

Ebonics Christmas

Hot 6 days ago

Ebonics Crimmus PomeWuz de nite befo Crimmus An' all ower de hood ereybody wuz' sleepin' Dey wuz sleepin' goodWe hunged up our stockings An hoped like de' heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin' our checkAll o'de fambily Wuz layin in de beds While Ripple and Thunderbird Dance tru' dey headsI passed out inna' flo Right nex to my Maw When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"I looked out thru de bars What covered my doe 'spectin' de sheriff Wif a warrent fo shoAnd what did I see I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon Pulled by giant warf rats! Now ober all de years Santa Clause, he be white But looks liken us bros Gets a black Sanna dis niteFaster dan a Po'lees car My home boy he came He whupped on dem warf rats An' called dem by name! On Leroy, on 'Lonzo And on Willie Lee On Saphire, on Chenequa Dey wuz a site to see! As he landed dat watta' mellon Out der in da skreet I knowed it was fo' sho' Da damndest site I ebber did seeHe didn't more...

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!

"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.

"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the golfer.

"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!"

The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature's patience.

"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?" she screams at him.

"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about more...

Yo Mamma Is Soo Fat

Hot 1 year ago

You mamma is soo fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out!

Going to Belfast

Hot 1 week ago

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?"

The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"

The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,
that'd be the quickest way!"

Flying isn't dangerous

Hot 2 days ago

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with more...

Yo mamas so fat she sat on Saturn and skittles started falling out