Top Rated Jokes

Cucumber, Pickle & Penis

Hot 2 years ago

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.
The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.
The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.
The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!

Rotary Visitor

Hot 2 years ago

A Rotary visitor to Japan told a joke lasting 2 minutes.
The interpreter then translated using only a few words. Everyone laughed. Afterwards the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly.
"Well, I didn't think they would get the point, so I said, "Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh."

Expensive screw

Hot 2 years ago

This urban legend is said to happen to the "King of Shoemakers" Tomas Bata. (He was as important to Czech industry as Henry Ford I to the American one.)
Bata was driving through the country and suddenly he realized that something was wrong with his car. Fearing that he might get stuck in the road he stopped at a village and asked for help. The villains directed him to the local blacksmith.
The blacksmith inspected the engine, did something and the car was OK. Then he asked for 100 crowns. Bata was a bit discontent with paying so much money for a minute's work, so he asked for a detailed bill.
The blacksmith took a pencil and a scrap of paper and wrote:
fastened a screw: 2.00
knew which one: 98.00
--
total: 100.00

A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children. He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"

The night watchman

Hot 8 years ago

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past more...

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
Date ____________________
Name _____________________
Department ________________________
Title _____________________________
Supervisor _________________________
KNOWLEDGE
1. This s.o.b. really knows his shit!
2. Knows most phases of job.
3. Knows just enough to be dangerous.
4. Stupid bastard couldn't hit his ass with both hands.
5. Fucker is brain damaged, a cup of coffee has a higher I.Q.
ACCURACY
1. Does excellent work, if not preoccupied with sex.
2. Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass.
3. Does shitty work and constantly fucks up.
4. Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.
RATE OF WORK
1. Fastest mo-fo I ever saw.
2. Fast s.o.b., if he thinks he'll get a raise.
3. Does a lot of work, at salary review time.
4. Works only if kicked in the ass every five minutes.
5. Couldn't do less work if he was in a coma.
DEPENDABILITY
1. more...

CIA agent requirments

Hot 4 years ago

Three men walk into the CIA headquarters and ask to be hired. A man there replies, OK, but first we have to test your loyalty. He says to the first man: "Here's a gun to prove your loyalty. We have your wife in the other room. Go shoot her."
So he goes in and he comes out fifteen minutes later and says: "I tried, but I just can not do it."
The next guy goes in and the same thing happens.
Then the last guy goes in and sees his wife sitting there. The man who is testing him is waiting to here gunshots, and then he hears BANG... BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then tons of crashing and banging. The man with the gun comes out, and the man who is testing him says,
"Congratulations! You are now a member of the CIA," to which the man replies: "Yea, great, thanks, but some idiot put blanks in the gun! I had to kill her with the chair!"