Top Rated Jokes

Roast beef sandwich

Hot 2 months ago

You're so ugly your mom has to tie a roast beef sandwich around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night.

Ya Mama

Hot 2 months ago

Ya mama so fat the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.

A Blonde's Diary

Hot 6 days ago

MONDAY: It's so much fun to cook for Ron. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. Fortunately, the neighbors were kind enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Ron wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said serve without dressing so, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Ron brought his boss home for dinner.
WEDNESDAY: A great day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed sort of silly, but I took a shower. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today, Ron asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Ron asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was exactly the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Ron more...


Hot 1 month ago

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'
'What did you do?'
‘I committed adultery.'
'How many times?'
'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more...

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

Balls to your partner

Hot 3 years ago

An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on
the deck of a ship watching war exercises. (OK, OK, so this is an old one..)
The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts,
"Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!"
Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: "Oh YEAH?"
The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing
Atlantic) and swim around the ship!"
Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns
around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!"
The American has to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives
him the order:
"Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship
seven times!"
Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The
American General says: "Now top that for more...