Top Rated Jokes

Feels great

Hot 1 year agoby Funny J

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How more...

Prodigal Son

Hot 1 year ago

A Sunday school class was being quizzed on the prodigal son. The teacher asked one youngster, "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned home?"

The boy gave it a lot of deep thought, then said, "The fatter calf."

Marooned

Hot 2 weeks ago

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.
Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.
The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.
The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.
The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

Bill Clinton in Hell

Hot 2 years ago

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron. "I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else." Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more. "I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better." Satan takes Bill to the last door.Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me." Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President."He looks more...

Reincarnation

Hot 1 year ago

I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

Nick The Dragonslayer

Hot 1 year ago

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1, 000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that more...

One arm pollock

Hot 1 year ago

Q: how do you get a one arm pollock out of a tree? A: you wave at him