all we need to do is put a flashlight to your hairline then we will get the batmat symbol
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop more...
Senator John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.
John Edwards called to wish Kerry well.
Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.
Howard Dean called with encouragement on recovery.
Bill Clinton called Teresa.
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment."I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all.""Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times."If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
4 men - a Marathi, Bengali, Gujrati and our Santa were being interviewed for a top job. With nothing to choose between them, the President told them over dinner that the decisive test would be carried out the following morning, with each candidate being asked the same question and the best answer would get them the job.
The next morning, first up was the Marathi. "Here's your question," said the President, "What's the fastest thing in the world?"
Without hesitation, he replied "A thought, because it takes no time at all."
"Very good answer," said the President.
Next up was the Gujrati, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the president.
"A blink," replied the Texan almost instantaneously, "cos you don't think about a blink. It's a reflex."
"Good answer," replied the president.
Next was the Bengali, "What's the fastest thing in the world?" asked the more...
There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philipines.
As he stepped out of the aiport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard.
Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked. "Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. Verri faast!!"
Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. "Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good! Very faast"
The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap's proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it.
"Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, more...