Hot Jokes

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"

The Farmer

Hot 3 days ago

A Texan is visiting Israel, and feeling thirsty, he stops at a house along the road. "Can you give me a drink of water?" asks the Texan.
"Of course," says the Israeli, and invites the Texan to come in.
"What do you do?" says the Texan."I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli.
"Really?" says the Texan. "I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?"
"Well", says the Israeli, "out front it's fifty meters, as you can see, and in the back we have close to a hundred meters of property. And what about your place?"
"Well", says the Texan, "on my ranch, I have breakfast and get into the car, and I drive and drive...and I don't reach the end of the ranch until dinnertime."
"Really," replies the Israeli. "I used to have a car like that."

Prodigal Son

Hot 5 days ago

A Sunday school class was being quizzed on the prodigal son. The teacher asked one youngster, "Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned home?"

The boy gave it a lot of deep thought, then said, "The fatter calf."

No Pun Intended

Hot 1 week ago

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby more...

Courtroom ding-dongs!

Hot 1 week ago

*** Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ***
( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- more...

Yo Mama is like Sprint

Hot 1 week ago

Yo Mama is like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country!

Shot To The Heart

Hot 1 week ago

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.