Hot Jokes

The Car Door

Hot 4 hours ago

There was a Japanese, Hawaiian, and a Portuguese guy. They were all stranded on a desert. While they were walking, the Portuguese guy found a car door. He decided to drag it around for shade when they needed it. So one day the Hawaiian guy complained, "It's hot!" The Portuguese guy grabbed the car door and rolled down the window." Is that better?"

Perfect man!

Hot 1 day ago

Joe walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Bryan."
"Who?"
"Bryan Smith. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bryan."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Joe.
"Not Bryan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Bryan."
"Then how do you know so more...

Sheryl Crow suggests that one way to combat global warming is to use only one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit.

My suggestion: never shake Sheryl Crow's hand.

Crabs

Hot 1 week ago

A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her—but he was walking straight and not sideways!
Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.
The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!"
He answered "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!".

Sausage joke

Hot 1 week ago

There were two Sausages in a frieing pan then one sausage turned to the other and said man its hot in here, the other sausage shocked just tured and screamed HOLY SHIT a taking sausage.

Martha Stewart vs Me

Hot 1 week ago

Martha Stewart vs Me... Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room more...

Knock Knock - Lime

Hot 1 week ago

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Lime!
Lime who?
Lime bean!