Hot Jokes

Corrective Surgery

Hot 6 days ago

John and his wife were thrilled to see that his penis was growing larger and staying erect much longer. After several weeks though, he noticed that it had grown to almost twenty one inches. This was causing him great concern so both he and his wife made an appointment with a very well-known urologist.
After examining him, the doctor explained to the couple that although it was very rare, John's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"Should we agree to this, doctor," asked the anxious wife, "how long would John need to be on crutches?"
"Crutches? Why would he need to be on crutches?" the doctor inquired.
"You are planning on lengthening John's legs, aren't you?" she replied.

By Randy Jeffries/Weekly World News (January 23, 1996)
Bocholt, Germany - A band musician died of a brain injury when the trombonist behind him jerked the slide of his trombone forward and struck the trumpeter in the back of the head!
Police say the tragedy occurred as the Gratzfeld College band was rehearsing the spirited American jazz classic, When the Saints Go Marching In.
According to other band members, trombonist Peter Niemeyer, 19, "got carried away" with the music. He started gyrating and thrashing around as he played.
At one point, he jerked forward and the rounded metal slide on his instrument hit trumpet player Dolph Mohr, 20, dropping him instantly to the floor.
"Niemeyer was pumping the slide very hard," said medical examiner Dr. Max Krause. "But it wasn't just the force of the blow that killed Mohr.
"The slide struck him in the worst possible place - the vulnerable spot just behind and below the left ear. "Bone more...

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he wentout and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might noticehim on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there wasthis bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. Thethe guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to thebum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy wentover to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off hisback. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of thisguy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to getthe hell out of here!"

Police in southern Oregon are searching for an arsonist accused of setting fire to early 1990s Ford Escorts.
He reportedly set the cars on fire by driving them.

'Real' Real Estate Definitions
Charming: Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."
Much Potential: Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities.
Unique City Home: Used to be a warehouse.
Hi-Tech/Contemporary: Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.
Daring Design: Still a warehouse
Completely Updated: Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.
Sophisticated: Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."
One-Of-A-Kind: Ugly as sin.
Brilliant Concept: Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."
Upper Bracket: If you have to ask...
You'll Love It: No, you won't.
Must See To Believe: An more...

Trouble with Inflation

Hot 3 weeks ago

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day.

Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out.

In the inflatable corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him, pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school.

As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school.

He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police.

Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him.

Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, more...

Baseball in heaven

Hot 3 weeks ago

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.' Bob is that you?' Earl asked.

'Of course it me,' Bob replied.

'This is unbelievable!' Earl exclaimed.' So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?'

'Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?'

'Tell me the good news first.'' Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.'

'Oh, that is wonderful! So what more...