Hot Jokes

If Airlines Sold Paint

Hot 1 hour ago

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT...
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint more...

Pig

Hot 4 hours ago

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Going Underground

Hot 7 hours ago

I'd never make jokes about the London Underground - that's beneath me.

An IBM acronym

Hot 10 hours ago

IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess

College rejection letter

Hot 13 hours ago

I wrote this letter many years ago:
Pennsylvania State University Admissions
Address
Dear Sir,
I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret
to inform you that I will not be attending your university in
coming years.
As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine
institutions to further my education. And, although yours
ranks high among them, I'm afraid that you failed to qualify.
Elimination under my system doesn't mean that you are not
qualified to educate other fine young men and women. It
merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities
competing for my acceptance.
My best wishes for your future.
Sincerely,
Brian Jay Gould

I would have e-mailed you

Hot 16 hours ago

I would have e-mailed you sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

Customer Needs Assistance

Hot 19 hours ago

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."