Hot Jokes

Catch a drunk driver

Hot 2 days ago

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Bad Days

Hot 4 days ago

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you don't believe it, consider these weird deaths:
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore - where a tree blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused
Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for more...

College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ A. build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ A. Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ A. Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, more...

Lawyers & Charity

Hot 6 days ago

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

Aggies R Dum

Hot 6 days ago

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.
They attempted to rob a bank but got caught.
They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair.
The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.
The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.
The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.
The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better."

Whats for dinner

Hot 6 days ago

There was a white guy a black guy and an aggie, The white guy said "If I have pizza for lunch one more time i am going to kill myself" The black guy said"If I have corndogs
for lunch one more time I am going to kill myself" Then the aggie said "if I have a ham sandwitch one more time I am going to kill myself" Next Day The white guy looked in his lunch box the went and shot himself. the black guy looked in his lunch box and then shot himself. the aggie looked in his lunchbox and then went and shothimself.
Later that day the police told their wifes the white guys wife said he should of just asked for something diffrent the black guys wife said the samething the aggies wife said I dont know why he shot himself he makes his own lunch!