Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f@ck the cat."
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?"
The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home.
His father askes, "So, how did the parachute jump go, Son?".
Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill Sgt. comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12 incher!"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?".
"Just a little at first", said the son.
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
What do you call an aboriginal in a porche? A Thief.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn`t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. .. it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
(Culled from newspapers)- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5` 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.