A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"
A church deacon learned there was a nudist colony in his parish and decided he should visit the place to let the nudists know they'd be welcomed at the church, properly dressed.
He was advised that he could only enter if he removed his clothing to which he agreed but requested that he be allowed to retain his clerical collar, which request was granted.
After an hour or so, he noticed he was being closely and continuously observed by an attractive nudist. He approached the woman and said.
"If you're wondering about my clerical collar, I'm a deacon in the church." To which the woman replied, "Oh, no, I was looking at your balls, I thought you were a canon!"
Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.
The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.
A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.
"So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. more...
A SUPERINTENDING Engineer (S. E.) of the CPWD was inspecting the furniture section. He wanted to test the knowledge of his subordinates.
"What kind of wood is this?" he asked one.
"Teak, sir. C. P. Teak," replied the subordinate.
"And the plywood?"
"Duroply sir. It bears the ISI mark. Best in the market.
"And the board?"
"Pamella Borde, sir," replied the smarty subordinate.
"What do you mean? This is Duro board," growled the S. E.
"Sir, we have renamed it Pamella Borde, because it is the best available and universally used."
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"
The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."