Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. Shepasses a person who asks, "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
The difference between champ and chump is U.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.
There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined. The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice. A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik. “So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."
Whatever it is that's eating you, it must be suffering horribly.