Hot Jokes

Hairy Armpit

Hot 6 days ago

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, more...

Q: How many Mafia

Hot 1 week ago

Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

Letter to the Railroad

Hot 1 week ago

Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,
and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I
am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter with
reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are
somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation
2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on
your train in the last two years.
Your truly, A Commuter

Dear Tech Support

Hot 1 week ago

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing
that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 &
Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities more...

The Car Door

Hot 3 weeks ago

There was a Japanese, Hawaiian, and a Portuguese guy. They were all stranded on a desert. While they were walking, the Portuguese guy found a car door. He decided to drag it around for shade when they needed it. So one day the Hawaiian guy complained, "It's hot!" The Portuguese guy grabbed the car door and rolled down the window." Is that better?"

Perfect man!

Hot 3 weeks ago

Joe walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Bryan."
"Who?"
"Bryan Smith. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bryan."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Joe.
"Not Bryan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Bryan."
"Then how do you know so more...

Sheryl Crow suggests that one way to combat global warming is to use only one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit.

My suggestion: never shake Sheryl Crow's hand.