Funny Jokes

Collection Litter by

Hot 3 weeks ago

Collection Litter by Phil D Basket

What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow? Slush puppies!

On the first day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the second day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the third day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my mistress gave to me
six cans of sardines
five litter pans
four strutting birds
three quarts milk
two chicken breasts and
a pheasant under glass beneath the more...

Looking For Dorothy!

Hot 3 weeks ago

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and former Secretary of Defense William Perry wanted to go to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with him.
Then, Bill asked the former Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both looked at Bill and asked him why he was going.
He answered, "I'm looking for Dorothy!"

Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.
The last sensation felt by anyone "borrowing" a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.
No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.
He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to "make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel."
His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.
Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.
You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now he's the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.
"I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?"
His shoe has a setting for either "Ring" or "Vibrate."
She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!
Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer more...

BIG CHIEF NO SHIT!!!!

Hot 4 weeks ago

In an indian camp there lived an INDIAN chief who had a problem. .. he had constepation... so he send his apprentice to the medicine man to fetch some medicine.. which would unconstepate him!
The apprentice goes to the medicine man.. says BIG CHIEF NO SHIT! THE medicine man gives the boy a samll package saying. . this is strong medicine thats y only take in small quantiy.. ask chief to take this. .. the apprentice goes bak and gives it to the chief. .. who takes it happily. ..
But again the nextday the chief had no luk. the apprentice goes bak to the medicine man and says. . BIG CHIEF NO SHIT! medicine man gives a stronger dose this time. ... boy goes bak and hands it to the chief. .. again no luck so next day he goes back
says BIG CHIEF NO SHIT! the medicine man gives him the strongest dose. . and says give this to chief.. the boy returns and gives it to the chief. . who was now desperate...

The next day the boy returns saying "MEDICINE MAN MEDICINE more...

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."