Funny Jokes

Love Affair?

Hot 3 weeks ago

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,' What did you steal?'

She replied,' A can of peaches.'

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said,' I will then give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said,' What is it?'

The husband said,' She also stole a can of peas.'

Increasingly late for work after a wonderful day of fishing, a man is pulled over by a Police Officer. The Officer walks up to the genteman's car window and asks, "Sir, why are you in such a hurry."
The man replies, "I am late for for work."
To this the police Officer asks, "and what do ou do for a living Sir, that requires you to drive so fast?"
The man replies, "I am an asshole stretcher."
The Officer asks in reply, "what is an asshole stretcher."
The man replies, "well its exactly what it sounds like, I stretch assholes for a living."
Stunned, the Officer asks, "how on this Earth does one go about stretching an asshole?'
To this the man replies, "well you start out by shoving to finger up the hole. Then, you stick some fingers up the asshole until you can get both hands all the way up the ass. Then, you slowly start to pull your arms apart until the asshole you're stretching is six more...

Knock Knock - Pyjamas

Hot 4 weeks ago

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Pyjamas who?
Pyjamas around me and hold me tight!

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her,
"There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed, and I don't want you to look in it until I die."
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it.
She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you."
Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all."
She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?"
Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in."

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Hot 1 month ago

The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."

The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver. "The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski."

What Gauge

Hot 1 month ago

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

The wasp

Hot 1 month ago

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car.
Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps. So he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his willy and withdraw as soon as he feels the wasp.
The honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor, and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion.
So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage.
The doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with more...