Funny Jokes

Baseball in heaven

Hot 4 weeks ago

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.' Bob is that you?' Earl asked.

'Of course it me,' Bob replied.

'This is unbelievable!' Earl exclaimed.' So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?'

'Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?'

'Tell me the good news first.'' Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.'

'Oh, that is wonderful! So what more...

Clinton's mail:

Dear Bill:

As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter
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Dear Bill:

OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a fox!

Gary Hart
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My Dear Chap:

This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant
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Bill:

They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!

Mayor Marion more...

Blonde on Mt. Everest

Hot 1 month ago

10 blondes and a brunette are climbing Mt. Everest. The rope they are on is too heavy, so one of them has to sacrafice themselves. After a moment of silence, the brunette says she will do it. She makes a long, touching speech about her life and to remember her, and all of the blondes clap and let go of the rope.

Are shellfish warm

Hot 1 month ago

Are shellfish warm? No they're clammy!

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

The Cajuns heard that Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided This is WAR!!
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Boudreaux down at the Fred's lounge in Mamou, Looziannah.
I'm callin' to told you we be officially declarin' war on you!"
"Well, Boudreaux, Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Rat now," said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "there is me, my cousin Thibedeaux, my nex door neighbor Justain, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Woo-eee!" said Boudreaux. "I gots to call you back later!"
Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us more...

Grandpa is fine.

Hot 1 month ago

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's it.I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully more...