Top Rated Jokes

hairline

Hot 1 year agoby ryt

your hairline so far back i thought u went bald in 3rd grade

True love

Hot 1 year ago

It was a busy morning, approximately 8: 30 a. m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9: 00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him look at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer' s Disease.
As we more...

Told in the USSR

Hot 7 years ago

It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all
traveling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when,
at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.
Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped.
Stalin got up. "I'll take care of this."
He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot.
He came back into the compartment and sat back down.
"That should take care of it."
Two more hours passed; the train has not moved.
Khrushchev got up. "I'll take care of this."
He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train,
and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the
train again. He came back into the compartment and sat down.
"That should take care of it."
Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines;
the train lurched forward and more...

A wild party

Hot 4 weeks ago

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." more...

UN Meeting

Hot 1 year ago

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you.... ..When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and more...

KIDS IN CHURCH

Hot 1 year ago

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~! ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each more...

The President Must Go

Hot 1 year ago

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in
front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written
in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and
yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they
wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he
did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly
at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and
find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!" The
entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well
Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
you want first?"
Clinton says, "Oh more...