your mamma is so fat when she steps on the scales it says one at a time please.
Don't knock on Death's door.
Instead, ring the bell and run. Death hates that...
God summons Pat Buchanan, Nelson Mandela and Shimon Peres. He promises to grant each of them one wish.
Mandela says, "I'd like all of the black people in America who aredescendants of slaves to return to their African homeland."
"No problem," answers God.
Peres says, "I want all of the Jews in the Diaspora to come to the Land of Israel and make it their home."
"It's done," says God. "Pat, you're next. What's your wish?"
Buchanan looks around at Mandela and Peres and asks God, "Did those two guys really get their wishes?"
"Of course," says God.
"Well in that case," says Buchanan, "just gimme a Diet Coke."
A little boy heard his mom and dad fightin and the mom called the dad a bastard and he called her a bitch so the boy asks whats a bitch and whats a bastard? The parents said well, a bitch is a girl and a bastard is a boy. So the little boy then hears the neighbor say to his wife, im gonna stick my dick in your pussy and the boy again asks his parents what a pussy and a dick are. the parents say, well, a dick is a hat and a pussy is a coat. So the boy goes on and then his dad is shaving and he cuts himself and says Shit. So the boy asks, whats shit dad? and the father says its a type of shaving cream. Then he is downstairs and the mother is cuttin the turkey and she cuts herself and says Fuck. the boy asks mom what does fuck mean? and she says its a way of cuttin turkey. Then all the family and friends come over for thanksgiving and the boy answers the door and says," hey all you bitches and bastards! Please hand me your pussies and dicks and wait in the living room. my parents more...
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
I was chatting up a girl last night. I said, "Is your dad a thief?"
She said, "Why, because he stole the stars and put them in my eyes?"
I said, "No, because you're a scouser."
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we''ll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the more...