A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in Canada - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the look of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came.
The boss duly appeared and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One", said the young salesman. "Only one!" blurted the boss. Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars" said the young man. The boss was completely surprised. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabber-gasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman, "this man came more...
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate."You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a groupof new troops on making a proper jump. He told them:"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up, you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane."After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and beganshoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooperexited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someoneknocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked himin the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?
Once there was a boy who went to work for a captain. The Captain had a wooden leg, a hook on his hand, and a patch on his eye. Just like any old pirate. So the kid asks "How did you get your wooden leg"? The Captain replied" I got thrown over board and a SHARK ATE IT"! Then he asks " how did you get your hook"? The Captain replied"A hungry PAROTE ATE IT"! Then he asks" How did you get your patch"? The Captain replied"A bird poopped on my eye"Then he asks " How would that take your eye out"? The Captain replied"It was the FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK"!
'Twas the night before Christmas, and the house was all neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I then lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa more...