Things Jokes

Philippe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Philippe and says,' Philippe, kiss me!'
Philippe grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Philippe?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up little, Marie says,' Philippe, kiss me lower.'
Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.
'Philippe! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,' Philippe, kiss me lower!'
Our hero rips off her panties, grabs more...

For those of you who question whether you are in love, in lust, or really married, the following descriptions may help to clear things up.
Love - When intercourse is called - making love.
Lust - When intercourse is called - screwing.
Marriage - What's intercourse?
Love - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - When you lose your child in a crowded room.
Love - When you share everything you own.
Lust - When you steal everything they own.
Marriage - When the bank owns everything.
Love - When it doesn't matter if you don't reach a climax.
Lust - When the relationship ends if you don't reach a climax.
Marriage - What's a climax?
Love - When you phone each other just to say Hi.
Lust - When you phone each other to choose a hotel room.
Marriage - When you phone each other to bitch.
Love - When you write poems about your partner.
Lust - When all you write is more...

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?"
asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test
1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!"
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. When you stop at a light, start revving the more...

A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. My dick is turning orange!"
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can have a look. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life. How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired 6 weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy says "No, the boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hrs of overtime every week, and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting twice my old pay, and the boss is real cool."
So the doc thinks a little longer and says "Well, do you have any hobbies or a social life?" Guy says, "No, most nights I just sit at home watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."