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Dave Barry On College

Hot 5 years ago

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don't ask me why - the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were more...

American Beer

Hot 7 years ago

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?"
asked the doctor.
"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

Fast fun

Hot 4 years ago

(Heard on radio station CHNS, Halifax.)
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and
was always trying out new things. One day he thought
he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it
became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned
an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper
of his car to test his theory. His friend said,
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car
and said to his friend:
"I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go
faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and
repeatedly if I want you to slow down."
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty
well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well
over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling
the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black
Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it
the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about more...

Making bets

Hot 7 years ago

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For more...

Desert Survival

Hot 7 years ago

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert."What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand."Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.""Why's that Timmy?""Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration...""And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently."Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten."

Monica Counters Clinton

Hot 6 years ago

AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face."
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on."
"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."
"Thank you." Monica Lewinsky

Lust, Love or Marriage?

Hot 5 years ago

For those of you who question whether you are in love, in lust, or really married, the following descriptions may help to clear things up.
Love - When intercourse is called - making love.
Lust - When intercourse is called - screwing.
Marriage - What's intercourse?
Love - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage - When you lose your child in a crowded room.
Love - When you share everything you own.
Lust - When you steal everything they own.
Marriage - When the bank owns everything.
Love - When it doesn't matter if you don't reach a climax.
Lust - When the relationship ends if you don't reach a climax.
Marriage - What's a climax?
Love - When you phone each other just to say Hi.
Lust - When you phone each other to choose a hotel room.
Marriage - When you phone each other to bitch.
Love - When you write poems about your partner.
Lust - When all you write is more...