Better Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    FIRST TESTIMONY:
    I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
    asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
    turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't
    say a word...
    he knew better.
    SECOND TESTIMONY:
    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
    unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
    several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
    at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
    at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
    THIRD TESTIMONY:
    My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
    variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
    boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
    looking at your nuts." My sister started to more...

    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down

    Barbie
    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245
    To: Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    Dear Santa:
    Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list!
    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear more...

    One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor".
    His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
    Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird noise and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
    You have tennis elbow.
    Soak your arm in warm water,
    avoid heavy labour,
    it will be better in two weeks.
    Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
    He mixed some tap water, a stool more...

    Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community- wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

    The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

    The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

    The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest troublemakers!"

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