"Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak" joke
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't
say a word...
he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they
were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank
with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed
behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty raining and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept
thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because
the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full more...
There were 10 blondes and 1 brunette hanging on a rope in the mountains. the rope was very weak and the brunette said someone had to let go. no one volunteered, until the brunette finally said she would let go, and gave a heart-felt speech. hearing this the blondes started more...
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice fuking bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next more...
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your more...