Better Jokes / Recent Jokes
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
To: Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list!
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear more...
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The hamster stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the hamster's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "He's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he more...
Birth Control Pills At 72?
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Just something funny to read.
1) It`s better to be crazy & know it than being sane & doubt it.
2) I`m lost. I've gone out to find me. If I come back before I return, please ask me to wait.
3) I live in my own little world!!! But that's okay, cause they know me there.
4) No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk...
5) Daydreaming is way better than school!
6) Education is the progressive relation of our ignorance.
7) Insanity: A perfectly normal change to a normal mind.
8) The voices in my head are snoring.
9) Me? Psychotic? What gave you that idea?
10) I`m not crazy! It's the rest of you that are freaks!
11) You say I'm psycho like it's a bad thing!
12) Insanity in individuals is something rare but in groups, parties, nations, & epochs... it is the rule!!!
13) Only two things are infinite: the universe, &
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients` bedsides.When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
* WIFE AND MISTRESS *
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said "I like both."
"Both?" The artist and architect asked.
"Yeah," said the engineer, "If you have a wife AND a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done."