Contest Jokes

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    Perl Code

    Hot 7 years ago

    One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate revenge, determined to become a computer programmer.
    Secretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, he began to work his mischief.
    Lounging near the back gate to heaven, he remarked to Jesus that there were some things the Devil could do better than God. Perl programming, for instance.
    The Savior, knowing something was afoot, but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged, suggested a programming contest to last from sunrise to sunset, to see who could solve the halting problem in the fewest lines of Perl code, with God Almighty as the judge.
    Sparks flew from the keyboard, and a sublime glow emanated from the monitor of the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace, respectively, until five minutes before sunset, when a bolt of lightning flashed and the computers went dead.
    A few minutes more...

    JC's PC

    Hot 6 years ago

    Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
    They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
    Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
    "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
    Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
    He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
    God more...

    The Poetry Finals

    Hot 3 years ago

    The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

    The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

    The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

    Slowly across the desert sand

    Trekked the dusty caravan.

    Men on camels, two by two


    The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

    Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

    Met three whores in a more...

    Poetry Contest Finals

    Hot 3 years ago

    The National Poetry Contest was down to two finalists, a Harvard graduate and a redneck.
    The contest rules allowed each of them a maximum of two minutes to compose a four line poem containing the word Timbuktu.
    The Harvard graduate was the first to recite his:
    "Slowly across the desert sand
    Trekked the dusty caravan.
    Men on camels, two by two
    Destination - Timbuktu."
    The crowd went wild. It didn't seem possible that the redneck would be able to top that. Finally, with a few seconds left, the redneck jumped up and was ready to recite his poem:
    "Me and Tim a huntin' went,
    Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
    They was three and we was two,
    I bucked one and Timbuktu."

    I don't know if you saw Oprah a few days ago, but the winners of the "Young People Write an Essay About the Holocaust Contest" were announced. Fifty young people from around the country were selected to appear on Oprah's show and read portions of their essays, then watch Oprah cry with a real-life Holocaust survivor. Why do I think the contest was rigged? It's because my essay was not chosen, even though I am a young person and, like Oprah, I totally believe in angels.

    Luckily, I have a forum for my essay (Which my angels helped me write, by the way.) on Daily Comedy. Here it is. I think that after reading it you will agree that my holocaust essay's not being chosen is the biggest travesty in history since the holocaust.
    Oprah is Better Than Hitler
    An Essay by Kurt Metzger and Angels

    Hi, my name is Kurt and I hate the holocaust. It was totally not cool. If I ever had the chance to meet Hitler, I would tell him that he is a jerk and his mustache did more...

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