Human Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Jonah's Fate

    Hot 1 year ago

    A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
    The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
    Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
    To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
    The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

    Chuck Norris Facts

    Hot 1 year ago

    1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
    2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
    6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
    7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
    8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
    9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
    10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are more...

    Holiday Party Memo

    Hot 1 year ago

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: October 1, 2009

    RE: Gala Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

    Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family,

    Patty



    Company more...

    I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents'
    house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a
    non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays.
    I thought my mother and by date would hit it off like partridges
    and pear trees.

    So, I was wrong.

    Sue me.

    I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the
    invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I
    told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun
    on Christmas Eve."

    "Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

    I had only known by mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be
    bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl and she's really
    looking forward to meeting all of you."

    "Sounds fine to me," my mother said.

    And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me's.
    What more...

    A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.

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