"Chuck Norris Facts" joke
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
12. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
14. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
15. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
16. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
17. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
18. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
19. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
20. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
21. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
22. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
23. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
24. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
25. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
26. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
27. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
28. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
29. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
30. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
31. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
32. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
33. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
34. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
35. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street
One day a man from Alabama comes to Georgia to get an education. He goes to the first professor he sees and says, “What can you teach me?”
Shocked, the professor answers, “Well, I can teach you about the power of reasoning.”
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Person 1: Knock, Knock
Person 2: Who's there?
Person 1: Cows go.
Person 2: Cows go who?
Person 1: No, silly! Cows go moo!
Had to defrost the fridge last night before bed.
Or 'foreplay', as she calls it.
A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."