Exactly Jokes

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    Reincarnation Surprise

    Hot 3 months ago

    There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.
    Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
    At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
    A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
    Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
    "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
    "What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
    "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. more...

    The Shepherd...

    Hot 2 years ago

    A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
    The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure!"
    The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "You have here exactly 1586 sheep!"
    "This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the more...

    A true Southerner knows what "catywompus" means.
    A true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit"
    and a "conniption" and they don't "HAVE" them, they "PITCH" them.
    Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
    direction of "YONDER".
    A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
    "Going to town, be back directly."
    Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
    request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
    little bowl on the middle of the table.
    All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
    They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
    A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
    solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
    and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's more...

    Doggie style

    Hot 2 years ago

    Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
    "Does you and your wife ever do it doggie style?"
    "Well... not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
    "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
    "Well... not exactly...." "I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

    Total control

    Hot 5 years ago

    A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
    He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
    So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
    This didn't have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
    Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
    Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
    He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that more...

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