Hurt Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Comebacks

    Hot 3 months ago

    Boy: Did it hurt?
    Girl: Did what hurt?
    Boy: When you fell from heaven.
    Girl: Aww, did it hurt when you got kicked out of hell?
    Boy: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
    Girl: Really? If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put F and U together.

    Empty Stomach

    Hot 2 months ago

    Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

    Tooth Extraction

    Hot 2 months ago

    An attractive young lady was at the dentist for a tooth extraction.
    He gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" line before bending over her with the proper tool in his hand.
    Suddenly, he drew back in complete alarm. "Excuse me, miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "but you have hold of my testicles!"
    "Yes, I know," she said with a slight grin, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, now are we?"

    Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am more...

    (Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)
    SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation
    Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
    10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998
    Good evening.
    This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
    I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.
    Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.
    As you know, in a deposition more...

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