Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: more...
Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER.
Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good of man. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using more...
A young missionary had just taken up a new post in a remote Maori village. The young man was the first white man to set foot in the area in quite some time.
Upon entering the village he was quite distressed at the liberal attitude towards sexual practices and began to preach chastity to his new flock with a vengence.
10 months later the daughter of the chief gives birth to a white baby. As the missionary is the only white man around the chief furiously confronts him.
"You preach chastity to me and all the time you are doing the devils work with my daughter. I'm going to kill you, you hypocrite."
"No it wasn't me" stammered the missionary "It's just a freak of nature."
"Oh sure! A black woman gives birth to a white baby and you're the only white man for miles and you call it a freak of nature. Now I'm going to kill you slowly."
"No, it's true" responded the missionary. "It's called an albino. These sort of more...
Banta's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.
When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere.
Banta scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.
When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.
Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.
"What happened!?!" says Banta.
The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the more...