"A List of Do's and Don'ts for Young, Inexperienced Cats Who Have a Household to Run" joke

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly, or the
davenport. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental
rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag is good.
DOORS: About them...
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door
is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can
change your mind.
When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in
and half-out and think about several things (particularly
important during very cold weather or mosquito season).
Doors swinging: Avoid.
GUESTS: About them...
After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the
dishes, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded.
The idea to convey is, "But you let me do it when there
isn't company!"
Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap
during the evening. You will know him because he will call
you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to leave "Puss 'n Boots"
on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select
colors which contrast with your own. Example: for
white-furred cats, a good black wool is best.
Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the
table. Never drink from your own water bowl if their glass is
full enough to drink from.
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
cook. This way you cannot be seen and, therefore, stand a better
chance of being stepped on, picked up and soothed.
If one of them is sewing, or working with paper and pens, and the
other is idle, sit with the busy one. This is called hampering.
Following are the main tips for hampering:
For book readers, get in close under the chin. Unless, of
course, you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to
doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This
causes what she calls a "dropped stitch." She will try to
distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it.
For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in
mind the aim: to hamper. First, sit on the paper being worked
on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off of table one at a time.
TYPEWRITERS: About them...
Be alert! Do not let typing occur without your attention.
By sitting on the lap of the typist, you can place elbows on
the top, making it convenient to play with the keys, which go
up and down, and with the long things inside. If biting paper
is in order, wait until typist has completed one perfect page.
Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing
catch-mouse or king-of-the-hill on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.
If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is
placed into dish, try to cover it with the newspaper under your
bowl - sometimes this can even result in your fresh bowl of water
being tipped over.
Start this training early, and you will have a smooth-running
household. Humans need only to know a few basic rules which they
can be taught readily if one starts in time!