Food Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Attorney and Two Men

    Hot 10 months agoby Tats

    An Attorney was riding home in his limo and noticed two men sitting on the side of the road eating grass, he told his driver to stop and investigate.

    His driver went to the two men and asked, sirs why are you eating grass? The first man replied, I have no money and must eat grass. The driver told the Attorney. The attorney would not hear of it and said come to my house and I will feed you. The man stated, sir I have a wife and three children, and then the second man spoke up and said I have a wife and six children. The Attorney says it is ok bring them all, there is enough for everyone.

    It takes about twenty minutes to get everyone into the car and they are on their way.Shortly after the two men are totally overtaken and are saying to the Attorney, sir I do not know how to thank you and we are not able to repay you, thank you for your kindness. The Attorney says to them do not worry about it, it is fine and plenty for everyone. You will love my house, the grass is more...

    A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

    They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

    They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family- oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

    The next drawing looks like a more...

    Stitches

    Hot 8 months agoby justincider

    I had the wife in stitches last night.

    That'll teach her to overcook my steak.

    make a meal

    Hot 1 year agoby justincider

    I accidentally left the fridge door open and all the food went off.
    My wife was furious. "What am I supposed to do with all this food?"
    I said. "Look, love, don't make a meal out of it."

    Dog's Reminder to Self

    Hot 4 years ago

    1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
    2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
    3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
    4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
    5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
    6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
    7. I will not throw up in the car.
    8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
    9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
    10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.
    11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
    12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!
    13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the more...

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