Water Jokes

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It may take me a while to get hard, I got layed an hour ago.

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn't have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that more...

The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking more...

Twas the week before Christmas,
I was feeding a mouse,
fattening it up,
for our cats in the house.
The wife's stockings hung
on the shower with care,
The drain is clogged.
Probably big globs of hair.
The children were playing,
jumping on beds.
Bits of chewing gum
stuck on their heads.
Wife sneez'n in a kerchief;
me, I'm ready for a nap,
Her nerves quite unsettled,
we need a nightcap!
When out of the bathroom
there arose such a clatter!
The toilet a shaking!
Don't know what's the matter!
Away to the bathroom
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the closet,
then fell with a CRASH!
I'd slipped on a toy...
I do think... I don't know.
They were scattered about,
above and below.
Then the wife yelled,
"Are you Okay? Oooh, Dear?!
"I was going to tell you,
your tools disappeared.
"The kids, well, they flushed them,
tools, more...

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she more...