1 cup butter
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup brown sugar
1 or 2 bottles scotch whiskey
Before you start, sample the scotch to check quality. Good isn't it? Now start baking.
Select a large misking bowl, measuring cup etc.
Check the scotch again, as it must be just right.
To be sure that the scotch is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
And one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure the scotch is still OK.
Cry another cup.
Open second bottle if necessary.
Ant tow large leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat till high.
If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry loose with drewscriver.
Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter.
Sample scotch again.
Sift half cup of lemon juice.
Fold in more...
The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
The Clean poo - The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo- That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.
The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.
The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking more...
A Tucson Arizona cable television provider has apologized to area customers after 30-seconds of porn was mistakenly shown during the Super Bowl. Customers angrily called when programming returned to the Super Bowl.
The New York Giants have won the Super Bowl.
I’ll tell ya, guys from New York – they get the job done.
Except for the Mets, Jets, Knicks and Guiliani.
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It's empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It too is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For goodness sake, how many times must we go through this? It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke everyone else in the house up. It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mama Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the paper. It was Mama Bear who set the table. It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's food and water dishes. And now that you have decided to come more...