Patron Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Cue Ball

    Hot 1 year ago

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
    While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up more...

    12 year old Scotch !

    Hot 6 years ago

    Santa walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
    Santa takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
    Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. Santa takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch.
    Again, same reaction from Santa. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours a glass of 12-year-old scotch. Santa takes a sip and is most satisfied.
    All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
    "hey mishter, tashte this!"
    Santa obliges...he promptly spits it out.
    "It tastes like piss," Santa shoots back at the more...

    Hungry Monkey

    Hot 6 years ago

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks more...

    Four Guys At A Pub

    Hot 7 years ago

    An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman were all sitting in the pub having a beer, when the conversation ran dry.
    The Englishman, trying to start it back up again, said, "Guys, I was born on the 23rd April, which is St George's Day, the Patron Saint of England, so my parents decided to call me George. What do you think of that?"
    The Scotsman replied, "That's a coincidence! I was born on St Andrew's Day, our Patron Saint, so my parents called me Andrew!"
    The Welshman said, "You aint going to believe this! I was born on St David's Day, so my parents called me David!"
    The Englishman noticed that the Irishman was very quiet. So he turned to him and asked, "What's your story then, Pancake?"

    Scotch Expert

    Hot 6 years ago

    A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
    The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
    The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
    Still unimpressed, the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
    The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
    But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
    Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
    All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
    He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
    "That tastes more...

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