Seasonal Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
    To improve his bite...

    The Duck

    Hot 6 years ago

    A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
    The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The more...

    Sent to me by a Guamanian friend...
    MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GUAM
    Tis the night before Christmas
    and Santa's relaxed.
    Guam's surf is up-
    Santa's surf board is waxed.
    The Zories are hung
    by the Aircon with care,
    And the Kiddies all know
    Santa soon will be there.
    Once the tide goes out,
    and he's through "hangin' ten"
    He'll stop to see Barbara,
    and Charlie, and Ben.
    A snack's been prepared
    by Becky and Sam.
    It's that old island favorite:
    Tortillas and Spam.
    After giving out presents,
    for his surfboard he'll reach.
    Santa's parting remark will be
    "Back to the Beach!"
    He'll join all those tourists
    who visit for fun.
    When it comes to vacations,
    he says, "Guam's number one!"
    And you'll hear him exclaim
    'ere he boogies away:
    Merry Christmas to all,
    And to all, "Hafa Adai!"

    (From our pastor's sermon on human nature:)
    A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while
    the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to
    temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts,
    he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for you!"
    His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly
    desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with
    manure.
    On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the
    optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled
    with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to
    his father with a sad face and said: "How can I possibly use all these?
    The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other
    toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, more...

    A true Southerner knows what "catywompus" means.
    A true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit"
    and a "conniption" and they don't "HAVE" them, they "PITCH" them.
    Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
    direction of "YONDER".
    A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
    "Going to town, be back directly."
    Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
    request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
    little bowl on the middle of the table.
    All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
    They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
    A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
    solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
    and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's more...

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