"CAT User's Manual" joke

Hot 6 years ago

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
Features:
User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import
restrictions.
Transportation:
A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation
to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may
result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the
user.
Installation Procedures:
Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to
verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational.
The user should look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are
indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may
manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation in an
environment temperature of 20degC (+/- 3deg tolerance). Use a
quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the
transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize
the self learning program by displaying the output bin. The next
step consists in displaying the input bins. These should contain
H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy
pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output
bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may
be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For
the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode.
When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to
sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new
information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be
interacting with the operating environment. The unit may often be
placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements
are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is
normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full
portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let
the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit
life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to
unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to
virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to
port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are
never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties.
If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT
file with a system address and URL.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be
repeated until the system can read it correctly. This lets you
issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many
owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also
get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is
effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the
system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the
user.
Applications:
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there
are few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their
system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young.
Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced
response and flexibility. Some of the better CAT games are:
CAC

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