System Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Parachute Crap Shoot

    Hot 7 months ago

    Four people are in an airplane: the president, the smartest man in the world, an old man and a young girl. The plane catches on fire and there are only three parachutes. The president gets one and says, "My country needs me!" and jumps.
    The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, "Well, the world needs me, since I'm so smart," and jumps. One parachute left and the old man says, "You take it, my life is almost over anyway." The little girl says, "No. We both can jump." Confused, the man asks, "How?" The little girl says, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."
    The Train Journey II "Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip one priest says, "Well, we've worked together for many years now, but we don't really know each other. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins to get better acquainted."
    They look nervously at one more...

    CAT User's Manual

    Hot 3 years ago

    CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
    User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
    Features:
    User Friendly
    Low Power CPU
    Self Portable Operation
    Dual Video and Audio Input
    Audio Output
    Auto Search Capability for Input Data
    Auto Search for Output Bin
    Auto Learn Program in ROM
    Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
    Wide Operating Temperature Range
    Mouse Driven
    Self Cleaning
    Production Details:
    After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
    onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
    installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
    there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
    units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
    may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
    units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...

    •WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
    •WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
    •WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
    •WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
    •WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
    •WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
    •WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
    •WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
    •WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
    •WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
    •WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
    •WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
    •WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
    •WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
    •WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
    •WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our more...

    Totally Useless Info

    Hot 4 years ago

    1. Coca-cola was originally green.
    2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
    3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
    4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
    5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
    6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
    7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
    8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
    9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
    10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
    11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
    12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
    13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
    14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
    15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
    16. Barbie's measurements if she more...

    Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
    THE NAME - Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith - now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
    THE ADDRESS - Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
    THE PHONE NUMBER - Skip it. What are the odds they'll call - 1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or more...

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