User Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
    User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
    Features:
    User Friendly
    Low Power CPU
    Self Portable Operation
    Dual Video and Audio Input
    Audio Output
    Auto Search Capability for Input Data
    Auto Search for Output Bin
    Auto Learn Program in ROM
    Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
    Wide Operating Temperature Range
    Mouse Driven
    Self Cleaning
    Production Details:
    After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
    onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
    installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
    there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
    units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
    may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
    units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...

    Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its more...

    The next generation embeddable scripting language for the web!
    JehovaScript (JS) is a powerful language with many advantages over
    current scripting systems. Its features include active alerts, a
    miracle system and error-collection. Rather than being defined as
    DOM-compliant, object-oriented or nth-generation, JS is
    Buzzword-Compliant, so your place at the forefront of technology is
    guaranteed regardless of trend-changes in the world of computing.
    Main features
    Miracles
    Each run of a JS program is entitled to three miracles. This allows
    you to deal gracefully with unexpected problems: you can create the
    needed RAM if memory allocation fails, or temporarily change the
    user's browser if the current browser does not support a certain
    feature of the language.
    Polymorphic constants
    Rather than create specialized logic for different situations, you can
    change the interpreters beliefs about constants. For example, the more...

    No! Windows is not a virus.
    Here's what viruses do:
    They replicate quickly - ok, Windows does that.
    Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - ok, Windows does that.
    From time to time, viruses will trash your hard disk - ok, Windows does that too.
    Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that too.
    Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow - see 2 - and the user will buy new hardware. Yep, that's with Windows, too.
    Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
    So, Windows is not a virus.
    It's a bug.

    Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that, too.4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So, Windows is *not* a virus.

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