Unit Jokes

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    CAT User's Manual

    Hot 4 years ago

    CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
    User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
    Features:
    User Friendly
    Low Power CPU
    Self Portable Operation
    Dual Video and Audio Input
    Audio Output
    Auto Search Capability for Input Data
    Auto Search for Output Bin
    Auto Learn Program in ROM
    Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
    Wide Operating Temperature Range
    Mouse Driven
    Self Cleaning
    Production Details:
    After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
    onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
    installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
    there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
    units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
    may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
    units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...

    US Military Quotes

    Hot 4 years ago

    "AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
    "WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps
    "CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND."
    -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.
    "IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal
    "A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of preventative maintenance
    "IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual
    "TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO."
    -Infantry Journal
    "TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." -U.S. Army Ordnance
    "FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS! "-Infantry Journal
    "BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE more...

    Gorilla Capture

    Hot 2 years ago

    As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.
    A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.
    Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.
    As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains
    the plan:
    - First I'll climb up there with the ladder;
    - Then I approach the gorilla and more...

    Baby Owner's Manual

    Hot 1 year ago

    Stay clear of the ejection port(s) both front and rear.
    Beware of objects thrown from unit, both solid and liquid.
    Please carry unit with care as handle placement is not optimum.
    Use caution when dispensing fluids not to spill them on sensitive components of unit.
    Do not drop unit as this may cause damage.
    Do not submerge unit for extended periods of time.
    Do not leave unit submerged while unattended as this may harm the unit.
    Do not leave unit unattended in public places.
    Do not expose unit to extreme temperatures.
    Make sure to use proper approved restraints when transporting unit in a vehicle, i.e. no duct tape or string.
    Make sure to fuel unit through proper opening.
    Multiple units operating in close proximity may be hazardous to your health and mental well being.
    Unit is delivered "as is" and may not be returned or exchanged. No warranty should be implied.
    Software upgrades may be administered throughout the life of the more...

    Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electricbulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbsdark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labsspokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier thanthat of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There isless dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parkinglot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with allthings, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, theycan no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has more...

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