Lead Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The Indiana Fever have taken a 2-to-1 lead in the WNBA Finals. Not in games, but in fans.

    CAT User's Manual

    Hot 7 years ago

    CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
    User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
    Features:
    User Friendly
    Low Power CPU
    Self Portable Operation
    Dual Video and Audio Input
    Audio Output
    Auto Search Capability for Input Data
    Auto Search for Output Bin
    Auto Learn Program in ROM
    Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
    Wide Operating Temperature Range
    Mouse Driven
    Self Cleaning
    Production Details:
    After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
    onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
    installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
    there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
    units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
    may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
    units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...

    Rules For Bank Robbers

    Hot 8 years ago

    According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
    Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
    Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar more...

    New Rooster

    Hot 4 years ago

    An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
    Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.' So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."
    Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the more...

    BORED

    Hot 7 years ago

    1. Stand perfectly still at the front window until someone on the street notices you. Quickly pull the blinds down, then, seconds later, peer around the blinds at them. Proceed until they a) Go away, or b) Call the police.
    2. Play the same CD on every stereo in the house at once. Try to synchronize them.
    3. SCARE YOUR PETS!!! Then cuddle them. THEN SCARE THEM AGAIN!!! Then cuddle them. Ahh, a nice, quiet cuddle-SCARE!!! No baby, it's okay... SCARE!!! If they run away, they'll be back, for food; make sure you're ready for action when they return.
    4. Sit on the front porch with a bottle of scotch. Yell abuse at pedestrians. Say nonsense. Wave your arms. Yell. For bonus points, colour a tooth black beforehand.
    5. Hide in the bushes near your mailbox and wait for the mailman to arrive. When he reaches for the mailbox, scream as loud as you can. If he tries again, scream again.
    6. Report a robbery to the police. When they arrive and ask what was stolen, reply "Only more...

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