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    British Car Humor

    Hot 7 years ago

    An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

    "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

    "Well, do you have a fax machine?"

    The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."

    "Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.

    Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

    A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.

    The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the more...

    CAT User's Manual

    Hot 6 years ago

    CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
    User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
    Features:
    User Friendly
    Low Power CPU
    Self Portable Operation
    Dual Video and Audio Input
    Audio Output
    Auto Search Capability for Input Data
    Auto Search for Output Bin
    Auto Learn Program in ROM
    Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
    Wide Operating Temperature Range
    Mouse Driven
    Self Cleaning
    Production Details:
    After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
    onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
    installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
    there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
    units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
    may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
    units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...

    ' 'Squawks'' are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem, (S) = Solution

    ----------------------------------------------------------

    (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
    (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

    (P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
    (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

    (P) Something loose in cockpit.
    (S) Something tightened in cockpit.

    (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    (S) Evidence removed.

    (P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
    (S) Volume set to more believable level.

    (P) Dead bugs on more...

    50 things to do at Walmart
    1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
    2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
    3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
    4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
    5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
    6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
    7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
    8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
    9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
    10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
    11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
    12. Play with the automatic more...

    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
    This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
    They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Crap!"
    Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were...
    "Hold my beer and watch this!"

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