Nixon Jokes / Recent Jokes

Richard Nixon voice: Hi... Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon... I BEG your pardon! Uh... Everyone's out right now, so I'm uh... Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep... I don't want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now... Come on you, BEEP.

Major Scandal during their presidency....
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
The President's biggest fear...
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore
Complaints toward the President...
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns
Their Vice-Presidents...
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.
Presidential qualities...
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.
Things the President couldn't explain...
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase
Job titles....
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Slogans....
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
Known for....
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Acquaintances....
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon more...

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.

"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":

Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well more...

On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.
So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"
Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"
So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how 'bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."
Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your MIL?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, your MIL doesn't know the difference.

Why did Richard Nixon become President?
Everyone called him Dick! They judged him by his name!