Carpet Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Dog's Reminder to Self

    Hot 1 year ago

    1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
    2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
    3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
    4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
    5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
    6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
    7. I will not throw up in the car.
    8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
    9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
    10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.
    11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
    12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!
    13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the more...

    Carpe Diem

    Hot 5 years ago

    Carpe Diem Seize the Day
    Carpet Diem Seize the Carpet
    Car Payment Diem Seize the Checkbook
    Carpe Diarrheam Seize the Toilet Paper
    Carpe Duh Seize the Idiot
    Carp Diem Fish of the Day
    Crampy Diem Seize the Midol
    Carpe Diet Seize the Rice Cakes
    Carpe Dig'Em Seize the Sugar Smacks
    Carpal Diem Seize the Knuckles
    Carnal Diem Seize the Smut
    Carpe Diplomam Seize the Sheepskin

    Feline Fasting

    Hot 7 years ago

    Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
    DAY ONE
    Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
    Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
    Dinner: Catch more...

    The Vacuum Cleaner CEO

    Hot 5 years ago

    The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.
    He pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
    "Good morning," said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
    "Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.
    Quick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide more...

    A man selling carpet called a home and a little boy with a whisper answered the phone the man introduced himself to the child and asked if he could speak to his father the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy exclaimed, " He`s busy" so the man asked to speak with his mother, the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy said, "She's busy" so the man asked if there were any other grown ups in the house. The little boy said, " yes a policeman and a fireman" the man asked to speak to the policeman the little boy said, "no" He`s busy so the man asked to speak to the fireman and the little boy said, "no" He`s busy so the man puzzled said, there are four grownups in your house and they are all busy, do you mind if I ask what are they doing? The little boy still in a whisper says " yah they are looking for me"

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