Church Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Satans Sister

    Hot 6 months ago

    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.
    Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
    Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!
    Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
    Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
    This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
    The man says, "Yep, sure do."
    Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
    The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
    Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
    "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

    Church rules...

    Hot 6 months ago

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

    The pastor said,' We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'

    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

    The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,' Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied,' No problem at all, Pastor.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied,' The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two more...

    KIDS IN CHURCH

    Hot 5 months ago

    3-year-old Reese:
    "Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
    Harold is His name.
    Amen."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A little boy was overheard praying:
    "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
    I'm having a real good time like I am."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~! ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
    After the christening of his baby brother in church,
    Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
    His father asked him three times what was wrong.
    Finally, the boy replied,
    "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
    and I wanted to stay with you guys."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
    the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
    She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
    Finally, she decided to go solo.
    I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each more...

    Bloopers in the church

    Hot 5 months ago

    The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

    11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on' It's a Terrible Experience'."

    12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

    13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

    14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

    15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

    16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

    17. "Today's Sermon:' How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."

    18. On a church bulletin during more...

    Sonofabitch

    Hot 5 months ago

    A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
    The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to
    which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father."
    After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
    The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!"
    Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?"
    Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry, Father, but that's
    what the fish is called: - a sonofabitch."
    Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know."
    After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and
    stops the Bishop.
    Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
    Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this more...

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