Pastor Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Church rules...

    Hot 2 months ago

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

    The pastor said,' We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'

    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

    The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,' Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied,' No problem at all, Pastor.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied,' The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two more...

    Wedding Vows

    Hot 1 month ago

    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
    "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows," the groom said. "When you get to me and the part where it asks if I promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
    The day of the wedding arrived, and they reached the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked him in the eye and said:
    "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every wish and command, serve her breakfast in bed each and every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
    The groom gulped, looked around, and replied in a meek voice, more...

    An Act of Charity

    Hot 3 weeks ago

    An Act of Charity
    One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little
    extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be
    able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
    pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000
    bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
    congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had
    placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly
    raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she
    made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
    so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she
    looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the
    building and said, "
    I'll take him and him and him."

    Gravy Ladle

    Hot 3 weeks ago

    In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is
    reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper.
    One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the
    rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the
    housekeeper was and he wondered...
    After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
    everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and
    that was that.
    About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever
    since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the
    beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
    The pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he wrote,
    "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not
    saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact more...

    Church Bloopers

    Hot 3 weeks ago

    The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
    Evening massage - 6 p.m.
    The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
    The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
    Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
    Ushers will eat latecomers.
    The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
    The pastor will more...

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