During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows," the groom said. "When you get to me and the part where it asks if I promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
The day of the wedding arrived, and they reached the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked him in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every wish and command, serve her breakfast in bed each and every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped, looked around, and replied in a meek voice, more...
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.
They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is
reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper.
One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the
rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the
housekeeper was and he wondered...
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and
that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever
since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he wrote,
"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not
saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact more...Mr Not Funny
Paul and his best friend were coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed his friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Paul's friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will more...