Vice Jokes

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    Hunting Elephants

    Hot 4 years ago

    MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
    EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
    PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
    COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
    Go to Africa.
    Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
    Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
    During each traverse pass,
    Catch each animal seen.
    Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
    Stop when a match is detected.
    EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
    ASSEMBLY more...

    Shadken 2
    A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
    Martin replies, "I never interfere in my son`s life."
    The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild`s daughter."
    "Well, in that case..."
    Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
    "But my daughter is too young to marry."
    "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
    "Ah, in that case..."
    Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank.
    "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
    "But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
    "But this young man is Lord Rothschild`s son-in-law."
    "Ah, in that case...."

    Police escort gets you to the movies faster.
    You know that game tetherball? I played tetherball with the inventor of tetherball.
    After they sign a bill, there's lots of free pens.
    If you close your left eye, the seal on the podium reads "President of the United States."
    I get intellectual property rights to my speeches.
    Dan Quayle and Gerald Ford are pretty easy to beat during Vice Presidents Week on Jeopardy.
    You don't have to be funny to get invited on the Letterman show.
    You get to eat all the french fries the president can't get to.
    You don't have to be a good speller to get the job.
    Secret Service code name "Buttafuoco."

    Similarities between Nixon and Clinton
    ~~~
    Nixon: Watergate
    Clinton: Waterbed
    Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
    Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
    Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
    Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
    Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
    Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
    Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
    Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
    Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
    Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
    Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
    Clinton: same
    Nixon: Ex-President
    Clinton: Sex-President
    Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
    Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"
    N? xon: Famous for his widow's peak
    Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
    Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
    Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
    Nixon: Took more...

    "Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":
    Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed
    Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
    Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns
    Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
    Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
    Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase
    Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference
    Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President
    Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"
    Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
    Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
    Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with more...

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