Explain Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Mom's Brownie Recipe

    Hot 6 years ago

    Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
    Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
    Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no."
    Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
    Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards.
    Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
    Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.
    Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
    Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
    Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows
    for ventilation.
    Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
    Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
    Let cat out of refrigerator.
    Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
    Bake 25 minutes.
    Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids more...

    Hot 1 year ago

    Bar Joke
    Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
    Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
    Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
    Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
    here!
    The argument repeats itself until they are all drunk. Dave goes to the toilet.
    On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
    Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder .
    >>
    Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
    Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
    Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
    Suit: - Well, it's more...

    Q: How many SAS

    Hot 7 years ago

    Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its more...

    Newfie Flies to Toronto

    Hot 6 years ago

    A Newfie was going to Toronto on the Airplane and started talking
    to an Mainlander.
    Newfie: Lord Tundrin' Geeses Bye, What do you do for a livin'?
    Mainlander: Well, I'm a Psychoanalyst.
    Newfie: Psychoanalyst, What the Heck is that?
    Mainlander: It's hard to explain so I'll give you an example.
    Mainlander: Do you own a Fishtank?
    Newfie: Yes, I got a tank.
    Mainlander: Well, I bet you like fish then?
    Newfie: Yeah, I like fish.
    Mainlander: Well, if you like fish then you probably like the water.
    Newfie: Yeah, I love the water.
    Mainlander: Well, if you like the water, then you probably like to
    go to the beach.
    Newfie: I love to go the beach.
    Mainlander: I bet you like to look at girls in bikinis while you're
    at the beach.
    Newfie: You betcha.
    Mainlander: And as you're looking at girls on the beach I bet you think
    about taking them home and having your way with them.
    Newfie: Gosh, How did you know more...

    College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
    Time Limit: 3 WKS
    Name: _____________________________
    1. What language is spoken in France?
    2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
    particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
    conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
    3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    ___ A. build a bridge
    ___ (b) sail the ocean
    ___ (c) lead an army or
    ___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
    4. What religion is the Pope?
    ___ A. Jewish
    ___ (b) Catholic
    ___ (c) Hindu
    ___ (d) Polish
    ___ (e) Agnostic
    (check only one)
    5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
    6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
    is on the 5?
    7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
    8. What are people in America's far north called?
    ___ A. Westerners
    ___ (b) Southerners
    ___ (c) Northerners
    9. Spell: Bush, more...

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