Matt, who has always had a fear of needles, was sitting in the hospital waiting to get a vaccination.
When the nurse called him into the office to receive the injection, he nervously entered the room, sat down and broke into a cold sweat as he watched her prepare the needle. He tried to concentrate on the most pleasurable things he could, hoping that would dull the pain he was about to suffer.
As the nurse approached him with the needle, she couldn't help but notice his nervousness. In an attempt to comfort him, she said, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."
Matt quickly jumped up, obviously upset. Startled by his reaction, but before she was able to say anything, Matt yelled, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"
I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.
Televangelists: The Pro more...
Politically Correct Little Red Riding HoodThere once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who livedon the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants thatwould probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time tostudy them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred toas "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would havethought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit andmineral water to her grandmother's house." But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people whohave struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages betweenvarious people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had more...
Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles (or the Jackson Five).
Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.
The feeling that one has had this cold before.
Fear of not having correct change.
Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER
The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your
Canine feeding disorder.
Excessive displays of affection.
An attack during the reading of a will
Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
POST-DRAMATIC STRESS DISORDER
Formerly David Caruso/Shelley Long Syndrome.
Joint stiffness caused by "La Vida more...
Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it is a more...