Vice Jokes / Recent Jokes

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?" Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!"

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.
Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?"
Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to!"

Administratrium, The New Element AMES, IA-The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a more...

Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice President Gore,
and their wives. Being the very important people that they are, St. Peter greets
them personally at the Pearly Gates and informs them that they have been granted
an audience with God. They are lead by St. Peter to a tremendous thrown room.
The Supreme Being, of course, is seated upon the throne.
"And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President.
"I am Albert Gore Jr., Vice President of the United States of America."
"Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. I love your work. Come sit on
my left. And you there, who are you?"
"Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the United States."
"Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult issues. Come sit
on my right. Now, who might you be?"
"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and you are sitting on my seat."

AMES, IA-The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead more...

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

How Shit Happens

Hot 4 years ago

How Shit HappensIn the Beginning was The PlanAnd then came the AssumptionsAnd the Assumptions were without formAnd the Plan was completely without substanceAnd the darkness was upon the face of the WorkersAnd the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,"It promotes growth and is very powerful."And the Vice more...