Reagan Jokes

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    Margaret Thatcher joke

    Hot 7 years ago

    Here's a joke my uncle told me:
    Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on
    the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that
    these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
    God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.
    "Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
    "I tried to improve the US economy," replied Reagan, "and I did my best to
    benefit the nation."
    "Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."
    And so Reagan sat at his right.
    God then called up Gorbachev.
    "Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
    "I tried to make Soviet society more open," replied Gorbachev, "and I did
    my best to improve the Soviet economy."
    "Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."
    And so Gorbachev sat at his left.
    God then called up more...

    "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." -President Gerald Ford
    "My fellow astronauts..."
    -Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
    "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
    -Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
    "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
    -Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
    "I stand by all the misstatements."
    -Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
    "Gerald Ford was a Communist"
    -Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
    "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
    -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
    "We found the term 'killing' too broad."
    -State Department more...

    "Why's Reagan trying to blow out the chandelier?"
    "Happy Birthday to...wait stop. He's wandered off again!"
    "...And now president Reagan will use his Playskool phone to call and wish himself a Happy Birthday"
    "Mommy make me cake! Cake good"
    "More coffee, Quayle!"
    "Hey, someone spiked the punch with Grecian Formula"
    "Excuse me, I've got to exercise the old 'Trickle-Down Theory', if you know what I mean"
    "Quick, hide the cake! Rush Limbaugh's here!"
    "Wow, a Beavis and Butthead T-Shirt!"
    "Am I still President?"

    Actual statements from Hizzoner Mayor Marion Barry of Washington, DC.
    "The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
    "I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
    "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
    "First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
    "Bitch set me up."
    "I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
    "The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
    "I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
    "People more...

    Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
    If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
    Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
    Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
    -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
    Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
    Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's more...

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