Nixon Jokes / Recent Jokes

Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Take me to your leader
From: Dennis
UFOs are nothing to worry about
There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. Well, the only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried last week. Clinton can't even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now.
Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere.
Well if these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. I'm not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys more...

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Nixon?
A: One was a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole.

On the bottom 3 rungs of hell are: Richard Nixon, 3rd from the bottom; Ronald Reagan, 2nd from hell's lowest rung; and George W. Bush, who actually doesn't have a rung, because when you're at the very bottom, you don't need one.

So Smirk's a little peeved about this, so he asks Tricky Dick, "Hey, Nixon, how come you're 3rd from the bottom, I mean, with Watergate and all?"

Nixon replies "Well, Watergate certainly was a scandal, and I am not a crook, but nobody, I mean nobody can say that I didn't do my own thinking. Hell, I did everybody's thinking, the stupid shits!"

So George W. says, "Well if you say so, but how' bout you Ronnie, for sure you never did your own thinking, Hell, Nancy had to consult the Ouija board to find out if you should pick your nose or pick somebody for a cabinet post."

Ronnie Ray-gun replies, "Well fella, that may be true, but at least I was elected. With a majority. Twice."

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No difference)
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying "He's the one!"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Many more...

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho
Nixon: Talked about more...

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: Biggest fear: Cold war
Clinton: Biggest fear: Cold sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: Vice President: Greek
Clinton: Vice President: Geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.
Nixon: Known as tricky Dick
Clinton: no difference
Nixon: Ex-president
Clinton: Sex President
...and my #1 favorite:
Nixon: Talked of achieving Peace with honor.
Clinton: Talked of achieving piece while on her.

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water BedNixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold SoreNixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President was a geekNixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief caseNixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No differenceNixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G SpotNixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a HoNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece more...