"What is 150 yards?" joke
A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User`s Manual?
The bus and train timetables.
What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.
One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn`t there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn`t there, but you keep shouting "I`ve found it! I`ve found it!"
A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?"
"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn`t enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he`ll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they`re very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises he can`t stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!"
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as he`s checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
A young member of the German communist party went to his senior comrade with a strange request: he wanted permission from the Party to emigrate to West Germany. (It is only with the permission of the Party that people are allowed to leave East Germany. Often it is "granted`` as a method of eliminating people with inappropriate attitudes.)
"For what reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist paradise, young comrade?"
"Well, sir, I have a main reason, and a kind of side reason. The side reason is this: I know our Party has established a paradise here in the Democratic Republic, but the reason I want to leave is that I am very afraid that it will not last."
"Don`t worry, son! It will last for ever."
"Well, good, sir: but that brings me to my main reason...."
What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they started using candles?
What is Communism?
The Poles say it`s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They`re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
Not enough votes...