Include Jokes / Recent Jokes

Because 24 hours isnt enough, the Emergency Nurses Association is proud to announce that we have officially extended Emergency Nurses Day on October 10, 2001 to an entire week-October 7 - 13, 2001.
MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL
To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC more...

Offensive to native Alabamans (but, then again, it could be Arkansas, or Texas, or YOUR state)
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off.
You've ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment.
Less than half the cars you own run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to "kiss her ass."
The primary color of your car is "BOND-O."
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've ever hollered "rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The neighbors started a petition more...

The Court of King George IIILondon, EnglandJuly 10, 1776Mr. Thomas Jeffersonc/o The Continental CongressPhiladelphia, PennsylvaniaDear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us more...

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.
The new product is to be named "Microsoft God," and will be available to consumers sometime in late 1998.
"Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."
The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:
Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.
Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from more...

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and found that it`s a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1. 0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1. 0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She`s finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2. 4, GirlsNight 3. 5 and CocktailNight 7. 0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1. 0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such more...

1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.
2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them.
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave robbing.
8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
11. The "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo..
12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

CHOCOLATE

Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called' Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion' or some such thing.

I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.

The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles.

After about six minutes of this, she finally more...