"You know you're a native of Alabama if..." joke

Offensive to native Alabamans (but, then again, it could be Arkansas, or Texas, or YOUR state)
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off.
You've ever used lard in bed.
You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment.
Less than half the cars you own run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to "kiss her ass."
The primary color of your car is "BOND-O."
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've ever hollered "rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
The diplomas hanging in your den include "The Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the grease rack.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You use a rag for a gas cap.
Your lifetime goal is to be an AMWAY distributor.
Your front porch falls and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever won a spitting contest.
You answer more than half the questions asked you with "Do What?"
You've actually created new meaning for the term "Stump Broke."
Your wife has better tatoos than you do.
Arriving home from vacation, you suffer from tractor lag.
Remember, if you understood more than half of these, you just might be a Red Neck yourself!