Miracle Jokes / Recent Jokes

New Miracle Diet! Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor. .. otherwise more...

Kids on the Old and New TestamentsThis comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)... Enjoy!* In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating theworld, so he took the Sabbath off.* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah`s wife was calledJoan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.* Lot`s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.* The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble withthe unsympathetic Genitals.* Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebellike Delilah.* Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened breadwhich is bread without any ingredients.* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moseswent up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.* The seventh commandment is thou more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play more...

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats more...

"A poor woodcutter found a baby in the forest and adopted him. But how should he feed the child? He prayed to God, and a miracle happened: The woodcutter grew breasts and could nurse the child."A student:
"But why should god make woman's breast grow on a man? God could have sent a purse with gold, so the woodcutter could have hired a nurse."The rabbi responds:
"Wrong! Why should God spend money, if he can manage with a miracle?"

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):
'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'
'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'
'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'
'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'
'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'
'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'
'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'
'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'
'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'
'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'
'The more...