Diet Jokes

I may be fat, but you're ugly.
I can lose weight!

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

[San Jose Mercury News]An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have more...

A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."

A man went to the doctor with a really bad infection. The doctor informed him he had Aids with just about every kind of infection there is to go along with it.
The patient asked the doc what they were going to do for him. The doc answered that he was going to put him on a diet.
"A diet! What kind of diet?" questioned the patient.
"Pizza & pancakes," answered the doc.
"Pizza and pancakes! Will that help?" queried the patient.
The doctor replied: "I don't know, but it's the only thing we know of that we can slide under the door to you."