Diet Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Nutrition

    Hot 3 years ago

    According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

    A man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.
    The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
    "Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
    "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." replied the doctor.
    "Will that cure me?" asked the man.
    The doctor replied, "Well no, but, it's the only food we can slide under the door."

    Aids (Rated G)

    Hot 5 years ago

    A man went to the doctor with a really bad infection. The doctor informed him he had Aids with just about every kind of infection there is to go along with it.
    The patient asked the doc what they were going to do for him. The doc answered that he was going to put him on a diet.
    "A diet! What kind of diet?" questioned the patient.
    "Pizza & pancakes," answered the doc.
    "Pizza and pancakes! Will that help?" queried the patient.
    The doctor replied: "I don't know, but it's the only thing we know of that we can slide under the door to you."

    Diet Rules

    Hot 5 years ago

    1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
    2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
    3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
    4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
    5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
    6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel.
    7. Cookie pieces contain no calories - the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
    8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
    9. more...

    Why did the lizard go on a diet? It weighed too much for its scales!

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