Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. "Yes," God said. "I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?" "Yes," Virgin Mary said. "And remember to call me every night," God said, before Virgin Mary left.
So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "Hello, it
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'
'What did you do?'
‘I committed adultery.'
'How many times?'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more...
Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this guy she brought home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked
"The bastard called me a blonde slut!" Mary said.
"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.
"I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom and take his eight friends with him!"
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney more...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew more...