Mary Jokes / Recent Jokes

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you - don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an attempt to "break the ice" with the little second graders, she began to ask each student what their fathers did for a living.
"Mary, what does your father do?" asked the teacher.
Mary replied, "My dad is a mailman".
"That's great Mary. Every town needs a mailman to deliver the mail," said the teacher.
"Nancy, what does your father do? asked the teacher again.
"Oh, he is a mechanic", replied Nancy.
"That is really great Nancy we need mechanics like your father to keep our cars running," said the teacher.
Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny. "And, Johnny, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher.
"W-well, my daddy died last summer", said Johnny in a broken voice.
The teacher really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one. "Well, I'm more...

Famed Anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of 83. Leakey
was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until
some nosy anthropologist digs her up.
- Norm MacDonald

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green more...

Bill was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100! "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bill had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was Work jokes. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump outthe window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out thewindow and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raininglike hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches usin here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbedhis clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outsidehe found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so hestarted running along side the others -- only he was still inthe nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels sofree having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you more...