Moses Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
    around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
    place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
    saying, "Jesus is watching you."
    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
    froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
    promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
    the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as
    he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
    a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
    source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
    flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He
    hissed at the parrot.
    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to more...

    UN Meeting

    Hot 5 months ago

    At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you.... ..When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and more...

    Jesus Is Gonna Get You

    Hot 3 years ago

    A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
    "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
    "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
    "What's your name, birdie?"
    "What dumbass named you Moses?"
    "The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

    Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died. Yo mama so old her social security number is 1! Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper. Yo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs. Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals. Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

    Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the
    Pharoah won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him
    for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He's about
    ready to give up.
    Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "You, Moses, heed
    Me. I have good news, and bad news."
    Moses is staggered. The voice continues:
    "You, Moses, will lead the
    people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refueses to release your
    bonds I will smote egypt with a rain of frogs.
    "You, Moses, will lead
    the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharoah blocks your
    way I will smote egypt with a plague of locusts.
    "You, Moses, will lead
    the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoah's army pursues you, I
    will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised
    Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's more...

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